Satire Alert! At moments this piece is meant to be comedic, hyperbolic and sarcastic.
Students with nothing better to do 50 years ago would go read a book or watch the ol’ telly, now they are openly practicing disorderly conduct by pissing in public spaces and uploading it to a niche TikTok account. Normally someone like myself would try to find interesting characters like these just like how I interviewed the Protectors Of The Ville. But now I had had the pleasure of being reached out to, getting an allusive email by the Protectors Of The Ville’s arch nemesis, the Roseville Pisser.
Whats your name?
“My name is the Roseville Pisser.”
Whats your sad and tragic backstory that lead to you becoming the pisser?
“From when I was very young, my father beat the **** outa me. I needed to find an outlet to express myself and take out my anger, so I started to piss. Eventually, two dillweeds named Title Card and The Kid came up and tried to stop me, but jokes on them, they couldn’t protect anything. I only ever stopped pissing out of free will, not because of their useless actions.”
Why did you reach out through that email for an interview?
“I came across your original interview with the protectors, and while reading it I saw how cocky they were and stuff like that, saying they were protecting the city of Roseville, even though they’re irrelevant. I haven’t seen them do anything besides glaze themselves, they don’t do anything for the community, and they’re chopped. I reached out because I want them and the city to know my terror isn’t over yet.”
When will your next piss be?
“Ya know that’s the fun of the game, you’ll never know where it will be, but you’ll hear about me when I strike, I loom in the shadows until my bladder is full, if I was a civilian I would pray my house isn’t next to be struck by my stream.”
What’re all the different locations you’ve pissed at?”
“Ya know at this point it’s hard to keep track, I’ve hit RAHS a few times, hit all the other schools in the district like park view and rams, I got The Kids house too, but I was in the backyard so I wanna swing back and go on his house. But I’ll never forget the best stream I’ve ever left, the one at the Roseville library.”
Have you ever faked any of your pisses?
“I’m hurt you would ever even suggest that, I’ve never once faked a piss and I always have to make sure nothing pops out on camera when I’m filming, it’s hard but it’s my job and I’m the best at it.”
Would you be open to boxing the protectors of the Ville?
“I’d genuinely thing I’d whoop their ****** but I would definitely do it. I heard they said they would but they’re dodging the fade. Maybe I’ll get my two other lackeys to box them since they’re more comparable to Title Card and The Kid, it would be a dog walk for me though.”
Do you have any final words to say to the people of Roseville?
“All I gotta say is, stay out of my way and you won’t get caught in the crossfire that is my piss. Title Card and The kid were dissing me in their interview so I gotta know too, who knows maybe my next piss will be on their house, maybe it will be on their dogs, it could even be on them. I’m truly evil and hold nothing but hate and piss in my heart, lock your doors, and keep your pets inside.”
After sitting down and having a conversation with the Roseville Pisser, I have come to all but one conclusion, the Pisser is truly a geek. For someone who prances around Roseville filming himself pissing with one hand while aiming with the other, he truly must not have anything else to do with his time. I’ve chosen to keep his identity a secret to build tension between him and the Protectors Of The Ville; but also because I am aware colleges do background checks, and I’m pretty sure this isn’t good no matter the context.
